No News, No Shoes. Starring, Paul Rudd as Ralph, Alicia Silverstone as Clara, and Sean Gunn as Vismay.
FADE IN: 1.
We see sweeping AERIAL SHOTS of BEAUTIFUL PRISTINE TROPICAL WATERS, and ROCKY
PEAKS with crowded vegetation growing on top in the surrounding area. In the distance a BOAT
with two people in it SPEEDS out into the open ocean.
PHUKET ISLAND, THAILAND
CUT TO:
EXT. - TAXI BOAT - DAY
RALPH, and VISMAY are traveling in the Taxi Boat around a jetty to the open sea. A dock in the cove
disappears from view.
RALPH
Hey, what are you doing? The dock is back there.
VISMAY
We're not going to the dock.
RALPH
Then where are we going?
VISMAY
I'm taking you to a small atoll a couple miles out.
RALPH
I knew it! I never should've trusted a complete stranger.
What are you going to do, kill me? Hold me for ransom? What?
If you don't turn this boat around right now, I'm going to come
over there and kick your ass!
VISMAY
Look down here. I have a gun on you.
RALPH
We're not that far from shore. If you shoot me people will hear.
VISMAY
(waves gun, flashes it sideways)
Silencer.
RALPH
Ah shit.
CUT TO:
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2.
EXT. - PHUKET BEACH - DAY
FLASHBACK:
YESTERDAY
Ralph is sitting at an open-air bar near the beach enjoying a beer, and the scenery. Vismay sits
next to him.
VISMAY
(reaches out his hand)
Hi, I'm Vismay.
RALPH
(shakes his hand)
Ralph.
VISMAY
Let me buy you another beer. I don't mean to be pushy, but
you would be perfect for my next video shoot.
RALPH
What do ya mean?
VISMAY
Here's my card. I make professional tourism vids for local
businesses, I could use an American in a few shots. I'm an
Ex-Pat just trying to make a living here.
RALPH
Well Vismay, thanks for the offer, but I'll have to pass. I'm
only here for a short time scouting locations. I'm not even
sure yet if Phuket is it.
VISMAY
Let me guess, you're bringing your girlfriend here to propose.
RALPH
Wow impressive! That's right.
VISMAY
I've seen it a lot, at hotels all over Thailand, couples getting
engaged. Occasionally I'll get someone proposing, and put
it in a video Ad, the hotels love it, it's a great selling point.
If you help me I'll get you a free hotel stay voucher.
RALPH
I don't know. We just met, sorry can't do it.
CONTINUOUS.
___________________________________________________________________________________
3.
CONT.
VISMAY
Ok, fair enough, but you can ask around, everyone knows me.
Ralph looks at the BARTENDER and makes eye contact.
RALPH
Yeah?
BARTENDER
(hands Ralph another beer)
Yeah.
RALPH
I tell you what Vismay, I'll sleep on it. I have your card,
I'll call you tomorrow, and let you know either way.
VISMAY
(claps loudly)
Well alright! I gotta go, but you have yourself a great rest of
the day. Have fun, be careful, and talk to you tomorrow. It
was nice meeting you Ralph.
RALPH
(holds beer in the air)
Yup, you too. And thanks for the beer!
CUT TO:
INT. - MAKE-UP TRAILER - DAY
We see CLARA fixing an ACTRESS's hair sitting in a chair. Clara goes from hair to make-up
on the person she's working on. Her cell rings.
CLARA
I'm so sorry I have to get this, it's my husband calling from
Thailand. Hey, babe. You ok, what's up? I'm right in the middle
of work. By the way you're on speaker.
RALPH
Oh yeah that's fine. I think I might have been able to get a free
hotel stay. You said a couple more days right?
CLARA
Be careful of scams Ralph. Ok? Just pay for it.
Today the movie wraps, and I'll be on the first flight out
tomorrow. I have to go they're waiting on set for LIZZY,
and she's about to yell at me. Love you bye.
RALPH
Ok ok, love you. Talk tonight.
LIZZY
(smiling)
I would never.
FADE OUT:
___________________________________________________________________________________
4.
FADE IN:
INT. - PHUKET RESTAURANT - DAY
DAY OF THE KIDNAPPING
Ralph is at a table eating breakfast. Vismay walks in talks to the host for a few seconds, and
the host points toward Ralph. Vismay WALKS to Ralph's table and sits down.
RALPH
(talking with his mouth full)
The food in Thailand is amazing.
VISMAY
I know. One of the perks of being an Ex-Pat. Thanks for
meeting me. Well?
RALPH
I looked at your website, which looks legit I gotta say, and
I walked up and down Mainstreet asking around, and everyone
seems to know you, so tell you what, even though I'm not
usually a trusting person, I can't find anything suspicious.
I'm in.
VISMAY
Great! I rented a boat to go pick up my video gear across the cove.
It's a lot faster, and scenic you'll love it. A local I hired is doing some
aerial drone shots, and go-pro walk throughs until I get there, then
you, and I will shoot more around town, and at the hotel. Sound
good?
RALPH
Sounds good. What hotel can I get the voucher for?
VISMAY
Any.
Ralph finishes his food and takes one last drink.
RALPH
Let's go.
CUT TO:
___________________________________________________________________________________
5.
EXT. - RENTED BOAT/OPEN OCEAN - DAY
The boat with Ralph, and Vismay bounces up, and down cutting through the small waves of deep blue
clear water. A small ATOLL gets LARGER IN FRAME as they approach the shore.
RALPH
If I'm going to die, I deserve to know why you're doing this.
VISMAY
You ever hear the term no news, no shoes?
RALPH
Yeah, why do you ask?
VISMAY
This is a theft, and you're not going to die. I'm not a murderer.
Vismay slows the boat to a stop and throws out the anchor. The shore of the atoll is several yards.
VISMAY
You swim from here. Someone will find you in a day or two.
Take this water, and when you get on the atoll kick off your shoes,
enjoy the sand, and go with the flow, you'll be fine.
RALPH
You got me good, but when I get back, I'm going to find you.
VISMAY
No, you won't. By the time you're rescued, your bank account
will be empty, and I'll be halfway around the world. Now go.
Swim. Watch out for Blacktip sharks.
RALPH
I should've listened to my gut, and not trust you.
VISMAY
Yup. And don't try anything, I will wound you with this gun, and
let the sharks decide.
CONTINUED.
___________________________________________________________________________________
6.
CONT.
RALPH
The sand bar is right there, I don't see any sharks either.
If you wounded me, I would bleed to death, and that would
make you a murderer.
VISMAY
I would graze your leg, and you have a tee shirt you could use
as a tourniquet. Ah hell with it.
Vismay shoots Ralph just grazing the outer right thigh. Blood trickles. Ralph screams.
RALPH
Goddammit! You actually did it!
VISMAY
I'm not fucking around. Now get! And swim fast. When
you hit that sand bar you better run too, because the sharks might be
curious enough to swim in the shallow.
Ralph takes his shirt off, tears it, and makes a tourniquet for his leg, then jumps in the water
and swims like a bat out of hell.
VISMAY
You forgot your water!
Vismay throws the bottle of water at Ralph, he grabs it, and swims frantically. Ralph reaches the sand
bar and jogs the rest of the way to the shore leaving behind traces of blood along the way. Ralph
looks down at the water lapping up on shore, and sees two baby Blacktips swimming right where
he had been a few seconds before. Ralph looks up at the boat to see it speed away. He drops
to his butt on the sandy shore, he lays flat out staring into the sky. STORMY CLOUDS loom
on the horizon.
RALPH
Fuuuck!!
CUT TO:
___________________________________________________________________________________
7.
INT. - PHUKET HOTEL ROOM - DAY
We see Clara sitting on the bed crying. Vismay sitting next to her looking sorry and concerned.
CLARA
You shot him? That wasn't in the contract.
VISMAY
It is in the contract. Tough one with the underwriters, but
after a few phone calls from the higher ups, they're all friends
up there. Clara he'll be fine, well-ok. It's a million dollars.
A film CREW MEMBER knocks on the hotel room door, then comes in.
CREW MEMBER
Good news boss, the storm changed course.
CLARA
Storm?
VISMAY
Thank the heavens.
CUT TO:
EXT. - THE ATOLL - NIGHT
Ralph is sitting on the sand staring up at the STARS. He takes a sip off the water bottle like it's
a glass of fine wine. He looks around, gets up, and decides to walk around the island. The light
of the Moon illuminates the sand enough for Ralph to notice a large CRAB moving across the
sand near the water.
RALPH
Dinner. Maybe tomorrow when I'm a little hungrier.
(stares out to sea)
I should've picked Bora Bora! or the Maldives!
No one is going to rescue me. Fuck it.
FADE OUT:
___________________________________________________________________________________
8.
FADE IN:
EXT. - THE ATOLL - DAY
The SUN scorches Ralph as he sleeps on a vegetation bed. A few CRABS rest on his torso.
Suddenly the ground beneath Ralph starts to shake, then rise up, and down violently. Ralph awakens
to being pushed over, and off that area of ground, the crabs scatter. The vegetation bed is open like
a trap door, and two CAMERAMEN climb out of a large hole in the ground carrying camera equipment.
A semi-large luxury BOAT speeds up to the atoll, slows down to a stop, and Vismay throws anchor.
Clara, and the Crew member from the hotel is in the boat too. All three of them climb into the dingy,
and make land fall, they jump out of the dingy, and Clara sprints to Ralph hugging him tightly,
arms around his neck, her face buried in his neck. The two camera men from the secret hole in the
ground adorn full battery packs, and solar panels for their cameras that looked something like
the Ghostbusters Electro-Ray packs. They get in Ralph, and Clara's space to get close ups, Vismay
WALKS in their frame, he's holding a microphone connected to a Go-Pro unit that he's wearing like
a vest. Clara backs away from Ralph to give him some breathing room, she glances at his gunshot
wound, it doesn't look too bad.
CLARA
I'm so so sorry I put you through this, but we just won a
million dollars.
Ralph staggers back to give himself a little more distance from Clara.
VISMAY
Ralph please stay calm, there's a hidden camera on that tree,
that bush. and a few more around the ATOLL. These two
camera men that were in the hole are also qualified paramedics,
and divers, you were perfectly safe. You're on a new reality show
called, WORLD'S CRUELEST PRANKS, this is the first episode.
RALPH
You shot me Vismay!
VISMAY
I screwed up, that wasn't part of the script, and the studio
wants to fire me, and if you don't SUE we will compensate
you with TEN million dollars, and I get to barely keep my
job. I am the creator, showrunner, and sole producer so if you
agree you'll be saving my life's work, and you two will be richer
than the original contract Clara signed, of course the shooting
will be edited out. And as far as the audience is concerned it's
still only a million. What do you say Ralph?
Clara gives an unsure glance at Ralph, she has welling tears, and holds up ten fingers,
and tries to manage a smile.
FADE OUT:
___________________________________________________________________________________
9.
BLACK SCREEN
ONE YEAR LATER
SOMEWHERE IN BORA BORA
FADE IN:
INT. - BEACH BUNGALOW - DAY
STRAIGHT FOWARD ANGLE ON Ralph, and Clara SITTING next to each other on a couch, Ralph
has a tv remote in his right hand, and his left arm is cuddling Clara. He turns on the tv. Dramatic
music PLAYS in the intro of the series premiere, and a deep voice can be heard saying the title of
the show.
CROSSFADE:
RALPH
(points to the tv)
Ooh oh this is where I got shot. I can't believe they left
it in.
Clara covers her mouth then leans her head on Ralph's shoulder, she gives him a gentle caress.
CROSSFADE:
CLARA
(points to the tv)
Oh oh oh, this is where we both get down on our knees,
and take turns proposing to each other. I love you so much.
RALPH
I love you too. You know they could only afford five episodes
after they decided to make ten million the official prize amount.
CLARA
Oh, I thought it was only four. The ratings should be through the
roof. Wanna make love or go swimming?
RALPH
Let's change it up and do both at the same time.
CUT TO:
EXT. - BEACH BUNGALOW SHORELINE - DUSK
We see the incredible SUNSET'S orange glow blanket the surface of calm beautiful water.
Ralph, and Clara are perfectly IN-LINE WITH THE SETTING SUN, submerged to waste level in the
water, they're in a romantic kissing embrace as the sun sets completely, and the stars are left all
alone to twinkle. Something splashes near them.
RALPH
What was that?
There's another splash, but bigger this time. They both run out of the water, fall on to the pristine
sandy beach out of breath. They laugh together, then get close to kiss again.
OPEN ARMS, BY JOURNEY - PLAYS
THE END.
FADE OUT.
___________________________________________________________________________________
DAY OF THE KIDNAPPING.
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