The Last Vampire in Ireland. Starring Zach Galifianakis as Johnny. Note: This horror/comedy short is a one-off.
FADE IN: 1.
EXT. DUBLIN AIRPORT - DAY
An Uber DRIVER picks JOHNNY up curbside, and they drive off. We see nice landscapes outside
the car window along the way to Johnny's destination.
DRIVER
Where you from?
JOHNNY
New York.
DRIVER
Ah, the Big Apple. What do you do there?
JOHNNY
I'm a Chef. I'm here because my grandmother is sick, she doesn't
have long. She's a hundred, and three, she's lived a long life.
DRIVER
Hundred and three? Is your grandmother by chance GRAMMY
MOREEN of the Dineen's? Live up on the hillside outside of
Glendalough?
JOHNNY
Yeah, Grammy Moreen Dineen, she's my grandmother. How do you
know about her?
The Uber driver stops on the side of the road.
DRIVER
She's in the paper for the oldest person alive in Ireland, but
I can't have a relative of hers in my car. Sorry lad.
The driver gets out, and removes Johnny's luggage, and places it on the ground. Johnny gets out
of the car. He stares in disbelief.
JOHNNY
Wait, what is this all about? She's just a sweet old lady. Right?
DRIVER
You're her grandson? And you don't know? All of Glendalough
knows to avoid her. At least her property, that placed is cursed!
JOHNNY
Cursed?
The driver peels off and turns around quickly to go back. Johnny calls for another Uber.
CUT TO:
___________________________________________________________________________________
2.
EXT. GLENDALOUGH MOTEL CURBSIDE - CONT.
The DRIVER TWO drops Johnny off in the heart of the town at the local Motel.
DRIVER TWO
A little conversation would've been nice.
Johnny waves goodbye without saying a word.
CUT TO:
EXT. RURAL ROAD - CONT.
We see Johnny RIDING a bike to the entrance of Moreen's rocky driveway. The drive winds upward,
and disappears at a curve, where the rooftop of the house protrudes the grassy slope line. He WALKS
the bike up the driveway. He reaches the front of the house which looks more like a miniature
moss covered castle, than the expected quaint cottage. Johnny KNOCKS on the door, and
DEIRDRE, dressed in a white nursing uniform - answers. Johnny is taken back from her stunning
beauty.
DEIRDRE
Johnny Dineen, welcome. Are you ok Mr. Dineen?
JOHNNY
Oh, yeah thank you. No not really, it's been strange so far.
Call me Johnny.
Johnny goes in carrying his bags with him.
CUT TO:
INT. MOREEN'S COTTAGE - NIGHT
Johnny, and Deirdre sit at the dining table drinking tea.
DEIRDRE
Your grandmother is excited you're here considering
no one else in your family would come. Shame Irish superstitions
keeps so many away, Moreen is such a sweet lady.
JOHNNY
When can I see her?
DEIRDRE
Like I said earlier, she's doesn't feel well most of the time.
It's getting late, we'll try again in the morning.
JOHNNY
I'm going to head out. Thank you for dinner, and tea. And
showing me around the property. Creepy, but beautiful.
Especially that TREE on the other side of the ROCK WALL.
DEIRDRE
My pleasure. See you tomorrow, Johnny.
CUT TO:
We see Johnny hop on his bike and struggle in the dark of night getting back to the road.
CUT TO:
___________________________________________________________________________________
3.
INT. GLENDALOUGH PUB - CONT.
Johnny WALKS into a bar. Several PATRONS, some drunk - stare at Johnny for a prolonged moment.
They are all grim faced, and a few angry faced. Johnny SITS at the bar, and orders. The
BARTENDER is a huge, buffed man, and gives Johnny a scary, threatening look.
JOHNNY
One Guiness please.
The bartender serves Johnny. He takes a nice guzzle.
BARTENDER
The motel called and refunded your money. After that beer
you have to leave.
JOHNNY
Is it me, or is every stranger I never met before mad at me?
Does this town have it out for my Grammy Moreen?
What happened?
A MAN suddenly comes stumbling out of the bathroom, blood dripping down his arm. He's
screams loudly with disgust, and fear in his voice.
MAN
I've been attacked! Help me!
A few people rush to his aid including the Bartender. SOMEONE points at Johnny and accuses.
SOMEONE
You! You're a Dineen just come into town from America.
It's your fault. You released the demon creature!
JOHNNY
Whoa, I just came in for a beer, I have no idea what you're
talking about man.
Johnny starts to slowly WALK BACKWARDS to the exit, scared, and with sudden anxiety.
BARTENDER
He's fine it's just a scratch. She just wanted a sip, she wasn't
here to kill. Stay with him I'll get the first aid kit. Go back. Fly
home Mr. Dineen and do it quickly or there will be consequences.
JOHNNY
Sorry about whatever happened to your friend. Yeah, ok I
get it I'll leave first thing in the morning. Bye!
Johnny runs out the door.
CUT TO:
___________________________________________________________________________________
4.
INT. MOREEN'S COTTAGE - CONT.
Johnny bursts in breathing heavily looking around frantically. He sits in a chair near the fireplace
to get warm, and to calm his nerves. Deirdre WALKS out from the shadows behind the chair, and
gently puts her hands on his shoulders. He jumps clutching his chest, turns to look, and sees it's
her, then relaxes.
JOHNNY
I'm glad you're a medical professional because you almost gave
me a heart attack.
DEIDRE
Sorry. A friend of mine who works at the hospital called.
The man at the bar that freaked out over a scratch was taken in to get
a rabies shot as a precaution since he claimed it was a creature.
Turns out if it wasn't for him going in it could've been a lot worse,
the man was in heart failure and didn't realize it.
JOHNNY
Oh. Then he should be grateful. That's pretty lucky.
DEIRDRE
Luck of the Irish. Too much luck, more than the people of
Glendalough would admit. He's a bad man, and deserves what's
coming to him.
Johnny gets up and keeps his back to the wall.
DEIRDRE
Don't get me wrong, I'm a nurse, I took an oath to do no
harm. I'm just saying bad people don't deserve luck on their side.
It could've sliced him to pieces but didn't for some reason.
JOHNNY
What kind of animal is it?
DEIRDRE
It's not an animal. It's not human either.
JOHNNY
Then what is it? No, never mind I'm leaving in the morning after
I talk to grammy, so it doesn't matter. So far Ireland is freaking me out.
DEIRDRE
Fair enough. Get some sleep, and don't worry, you're safe here.
CUT TO:
INT. GUEST BEDROOM - CONT.
We see Johnny toss, and turn on his bed, and he mutters.
JOHNNY
(mumbling)
Freak. (toss) Strange place. (turn) Not safe.
We see BANSHEE, an ANCIENT LEGEND appears at the foot of the bed. She looks like what
most would imagine a classic fairy to be. She has see through insect type wings, and is dressed in
ancient CELTIC attire. She flies up to Johnny's head, and leans over his face, and lets her saliva drop
into his open mouth. Johnny stirs, but almost instantly relaxes into a deep sleep. She WALKS along his
body sniffing and makes ick faces along the way. She stops at his calf, and scratches him with her
sharp pointy index nail, blood flows, and she laps it into her mouth similar to a vampire bat. After a
brief drink of blood, she spits on the wound, and the bleeding stops. She goes back by Johnny's head,
plops down, and sits cross-legged, then stares at his sleeping face.
FADE OUT:
___________________________________________________________________________________
5.
FADE IN:
INT. DEIRDRE'S BEDROOM - CONT.
Deidre is woken by frantic screaming from Johnny's room. She gets out of bed, and looks out her door
to see Johnny running toward her. He stops in front of her out of breath, he bends over leaning on his
legs, then straightens back up barely able to speak.
JOHNNY
(erratic pointing)
I saw something, a person with bug wings staring at me.
Maybe it was a dream, but it was so damn real. Sorry, I didn't
mean to wake you. I gotta get out of Ireland, this place is nuts.
DEIRDRE
It's just stress, you'll be ok. Do you want a sedative to help you
go back to sleep? Did you say a person with wings?
JOHNNY
Yeeess!
DEIRDRE
(curious smile)
You better sleep in here tonight. On the floor, you'll be safe with me,
Banshee is afraid of me.
JOHNNY
What?
CUT TO:
INT. MOREEN'S BEDROOM - DAY
Moreen is in her adjustable bed at upright position, Johnny is in a chair close to her bedside
holding her hand. He lets her hand go so she can take a sip of her tea. Medical monitoring
equipment is wired to her wrist, and forearm, also an oxygen tube is clipped to her nose.
Her voice is soft, and weak.
MOREEN
I don't trust Deirdre. She volunteered you know. They called her
'The brave one,' at the hospital for taking care of me, but she's
evil with ulterior motives. She wants the gold, you can't let her have it.
JOHNNY
Grammy, I love you, but I can't stay. I'm terrified, this isn't for
me. I'm having really real nightmares, your nurse is trolling me
about my hallucinations, and now you're talking about gold. I can't
take this, I'm so sorry.
MOREEN
Shut up and listen. When I was a little girl...
CUT TO:
___________________________________________________________________________________
6.
FLASHBACK:
EXT. MOREEN'S COTTAGE/LAND - SUNSET
1931
A young Moreen, and her sister MONA who is not much older - play with homemade fairy banshee
dolls behind the rock wall nearby just above their cottage, and where a very old beautiful tree grows.
MONA
We're supposed to go back in before the sun sets, it almost is.
MOREEN
Just a little longer. My banshee cave is nicer than yours, but I'll
let your banshee visit, come on over.
Mona pretends to make her banshee doll fly, and she makes the doll land where Moreen's doll
is settled. Their parents call to them from the cottage to come inside the house, and to not over
stay their welcome. Suddenly screams, and a loud tussle is heard by the sisters, then silence.
Mona starts to climb over the wall to go back in, she sees a group of men with PICKAXES in their
hands. She hesitates with fear and drops back down. Moreen instantly feels stressed from Mona's
behavior. Mona gives Moreen the - stay quiet signal.
MOREEN
(whispers)
What did you see? I thought I heard screams.
MONA
(tears) (whispers)
Men with pickaxes are walking this way. Hide behind the tree.
MOREEN
(quietly)
Who are they?
MONA
(quietly)
They're wearing miners' gear. they must be headed to the cave on
the hill.
MOREEN
(quietly)
Everyone knows it's forbidden, and dangerous.
CUT TO:
The four MINERS jump over the wall right next to the tree where the girls are hiding. They all
seem extremely drunk, stumbling, and cursing, and falling on the ground. The girls wait until
they pass, and then climb over the wall, and run home. What they find is a horrifying scene of
blood everywhere, and their parents dead from severe apparent pickaxe wounds. Moreen, and Mona
let out blood curdling screams of disgust, and fear. The Miners hear the screams from the cottage,
and one of the men turns around to go back, and staggers in a zig zag motion going back down the hill
toward the house.
MINER 4
Screams. We forgot about their daughters! I got this, I'll
finish it.
MINER 1
Make it quick, we'll need all hands to get through to the prize.
The sun sets into darkness.
CUT TO:
___________________________________________________________________________________
7.
INT. MOREEN'S COTTAGE/LAND - NIGHT
Moreen, and Mona both crying hear a commotion outside, and look out a window to see. From
their POV they witness the Banshee attack Miner#4. Then Mona puts her hand over Moreen's mouth,
and covers her own instinctively as well. The Banshee flies by the Miner as a blur over, and over again
causing blood to spurt with each lightning-fast strike. The Banshee stops, and gently floats to the
ground to watch the Miner fall, and hit the ground with a loud thud, with her WINGS still flapping
she lifts off, and flies upward, and toward the other men.
MONA
(crying)
It's a real Banshee. Why is she helping us?
They both stop crying.
MOREEN
I can't believe this is happening. A real Banshee. Mum, and Papa.
They both start crying again.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CAVE - CONT.
The remaining three men fight for their lives against the Banshee's swift attacks. The miners lamps
on their hats erratically illuminate the walls to reveal splattered blood across veins of GOLD. Two
men lay dead, but the last breathing miner makes a run for it when the Banshee is distracted with
feeding on the dead men's blood now pooling on the floor of the cave. She glances at the escaping
miner for a moment, then goes back to drinking blood.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOREEN'S COTTAGE/LAND - CONT.
The one surviving miner reaches the tree and stops to catch his breath for a few seconds. He notices
Mona, and Moreen hiding behind the other side of the tree, but ignores them then resumes
running away for his life. Just as the Miner is about to jump from the top of the wall toward the
cottage side, an enormous SWOOSH of rushing air knocks him off the wall, and he hits the ground
like a 200 pound rock. The Banshee is standing over him with her hand in the air in a striking
position, her long pointy nails out like a mountain lion's ready to pounce and finish its prey.
Mona yells at the top of her lungs.
MONA
Nooo!! There's been enough death!
Suddenly BULLETS fly at the Banshee. A new batch of men arrive with guns, they fire their weapons
indiscriminately at the Banshee. Though heavily wounded, she manages to fly to the tree. She lands
next to the girls who are still hiding behind the tree, the men close in - yelling epitaphs. The Banshee
wraps her arms around the girls, and they PHASE seamlessly into the tree trunk, the girls suddenly
realize they are in a HOLLOW tree. Like magic the interior is like another realm with more room inside
than what appears outside. The Banshee kneels down at the feet of Mona, and Moreen, her body
full of BULLET HOLES, but no blood flows.
BANSHEE
I'm sorry those evil men killed your parents, and I know this is the
most difficult thing you both have ever had to face, but I need to ask
you both quickly before my life ends.
The Banshee, and the girls can hear loud shouts outside of the tree trunk.
SHOUTING MAN 1
(muffled)
Where did the demon creature go! The girls are missing too!
The demon has their daughters!
SHOUTING MAN 2
(muffled)
I saw the creature from the light of the moon, it's a banshee!
(barely audible)
We need to leave; we have no chance at night. We'll continue our
search for the girls in the morning.
The Banshee sits all the way down from exhaustion, and she has labored breathing.
BANSHEE
Mona, can I transfer my life, my power, my essence to you?
FADE OUT:
___________________________________________________________________________________
8.
FADE IN:
BACK TO PRESENT DAY
INT. MOREEN'S BEDROOM - CONT.
We see Johnny standing, and pacing. Moreen teary eyed, and a moment later tears release down her
cheeks. A knock at the door. Deirdre is welcomed in; she GENTLY WIPES Moreens tears.
JOHNNY
I suppose you heard everything?
DEIRDRE
Yes, and thank you Grammy for confirming the story I've always
wanted to hear. Once I kill Mona, there's nothing keeping me from that
cave, and the gold. Go home to your wife MARIA. She's struggling
with running your restaurant. Or die, you have options here.
MOREEN
Don't listen to her beguiling ways. The cave is on my property,
which has been in the Dineen family for hundreds of years and the
legends of the Banshee along with it. All of this is in my Will to be
passed down to you Johnny. You are the only one who has not
abandoned me all these years, all your life, you deserve it grandson.
DEIRDRE
None of that matters. All of Ireland fears this place, fears the demon
creature. No one cares what happens here, I'm doing Ireland a favor,
and getting rich in the process.
JOHNNY
You didn't really go to nursing school, did you? Why is it always about
money? You know there's something more that you might like to have.
DEIRDRE
I doubt that. Why, what are you talking about?
Banshee flies into Moreen's bedroom with her hand outward, Deirdre spins around to try to fight
back, but it's no contest, and Banshee rips out Deidre's heart from her body. She takes a glance at
her own chest for those two seconds it hasn't registered fully with her brain, then she crumbles to
the ground in a pile of gore.
JOHNNY
(looking down at Deirdre's body)
You could've become a Banshee and be rich if you were nice.
I guess you didn't hear all of the conversation eves dropping.
BANSHEE
(puts Deirdre's heart back in her chest)
She can have that back. She was the last vampire in Ireland,
we can finally live in peace sister, and now you too Johnny.
MOREEN
I'm ready Mona.
BANSHEE
Already done, look at your calf.
Moreen suddenly goes through a metamorphosis in real time, and becomes youthful as a woman
in her late twenties, and giant insect like wings sprout from her back growing quickly to full size.
Banshee kneels down, and places her hand on the thigh of Deirdre's lifeless body, and it
instantly becomes cremated to ash including the surrounding blood splatter.
JOHNNY
The Dineen's through history, we were the Leprechauns all along.
Where's the broom?
FADE OUT:
___________________________________________________________________________________
9.
FADE IN:
INT. MOREEN'S COTTAGE - SUNRISE
We see a gorgeous orange, reddish hue come through the kitchen window, and Moreen, Mona,
and Johnny SIT around the table sipping tea and eating breakfast biscuits.
JOHNNY
Why didn't I grow wings grammy? That's weird to say, you look so
young.
BANSHEE-MOREEN
You can, but your subconscious prevents it.
JOHNNY
What do you mean?
BANSHEE-MONA
Think about it.
JOHNNY
Right. It would look pretty ridiculous walking around my
restraunt with huge bug wings, also it would be pretty awkward
trying to navigate in the kitchen too.
MOREEN
Did you tell your wife about the money yet?
JOHNNY
When I told her to look at our bank account, I was on face-time
with her, and she...
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK:
We see Maria in their restaurant kitchen back in New York STANDING IN THE MIDST of Chef,
cooks, bakers, waiters, and waitresses briskly, and hurriedly calling out orders, picking them up, and
delivering plates to tables in an organized chaos, and she's FACE-TIMING with Johnny on her
cell phone.
MARIA
Ok, hang on hang on. Wait. That's real? Oh my...
Maria puts her hand over her mouth, and falls backwards while letting out a half laugh, half
scream, and accidently bumps a waiter at the same time who is holding a platter full of food that falls to
the ground with a loud crash. The whole kitchen freezes in place to stare at the incident for the briefest
of moments, then returns to the normal frenzy. She picks herself up, and returns to a professional
demeanor.
MARIA
When are you coming home?
JOHNNY
Come to Ireland first, there's some family I would like you to
meet.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
____________________________________________________________________________________
to reap
Comments
Post a Comment